Saturday, May 27, 2006
How to Lose 10 lbs in 10 Seconds
Wow. Seriously, how can anyone effing go from dangerously obese to hard body in all of four months? 0.o
Janet Jackson has see-sawed from hippo to hotbod throughout the years and I’ve frankly always suspected that she’s just got some ultra-talented surgeon who simply carves through her rolls and rolls of fat with robotic precision using a couple of bread knives and gets her in shape in like under two minutes just in time for an album launch or whatever.
I mean, I can run like a hamster on a wheel 24/7 for a full year and still register a 10-lb gain at the end of the exercise. My body is just genetically built to gain an ounce at the mere sight of food and it doesn’t even matter if it’s broccoli or frozen peas. Never mind that I try to workout regularly and practically subsist on a diet of water and oxygen most days. What can I say? I’m just too lazy to get anything decent to eat. But when I do get the energy, I can fleece out an entire fast food outlet. But isn’t that the point of working out though?
Should all else fail in the quest to lose the extra luggage though, I can always cut off an arm, ya? Now there’s a plan B if I’ve ever had one.
Janet Jackson has see-sawed from hippo to hotbod throughout the years and I’ve frankly always suspected that she’s just got some ultra-talented surgeon who simply carves through her rolls and rolls of fat with robotic precision using a couple of bread knives and gets her in shape in like under two minutes just in time for an album launch or whatever.
I mean, I can run like a hamster on a wheel 24/7 for a full year and still register a 10-lb gain at the end of the exercise. My body is just genetically built to gain an ounce at the mere sight of food and it doesn’t even matter if it’s broccoli or frozen peas. Never mind that I try to workout regularly and practically subsist on a diet of water and oxygen most days. What can I say? I’m just too lazy to get anything decent to eat. But when I do get the energy, I can fleece out an entire fast food outlet. But isn’t that the point of working out though?
Should all else fail in the quest to lose the extra luggage though, I can always cut off an arm, ya? Now there’s a plan B if I’ve ever had one.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
XXX
If you’re one of many who come here to look for nude photos of Kataharine McPhee, shoo, shoo, you won’t find ‘em here. But if you’re not picky or just otherwise pervy, then this should prolly be good enough for you…
Wheee! Look at me! I’m naked!
Yes, yes I’m just soooo goddamn awesome, I know…e-mail me for the address where you can have the flowers delivered. It wouldn’t hurt to add a check, too.
So yeah, life pretty much still sucks stale bananas but on the plus side, I finally got my hair to turn purple. Well actually, make that purplish to be exact but hey, I’m not complaining…it’s about the biggest accomplishment I’ve made in the last couple of weeks so, yay me.
Yes, yes I’m just soooo goddamn awesome, I know…e-mail me for the address where you can have the flowers delivered. It wouldn’t hurt to add a check, too.
So yeah, life pretty much still sucks stale bananas but on the plus side, I finally got my hair to turn purple. Well actually, make that purplish to be exact but hey, I’m not complaining…it’s about the biggest accomplishment I’ve made in the last couple of weeks so, yay me.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Bump in the Night
A striped grey and black cat jumped onto my bed rudely interrupting my pleasant romp in la la land. I nudged it lightly with my left foot to one side and buried my face into my pillow trying to salvage any vestiges of sleep. But then, a searing pain stirred me up a second time and I saw the feline nibbling fiercely on my toes. I was about to kick it to oblivion when suddenly the cat turned into some kind of komodo dragon/alligator hybrid. The monstrous creature then opened its mouth wide and looked like it would swallow me whole but before it could, I snapped into consciousness this time for real.
I haven’t remembered any of my dreams in what seems like years, and the first time I did it runs like a low-budget horror movie? Gosh. What does this say about my subconscious really? The cat didn’t even look like a real cat but some stuffed animal, possibly a giraffe, doctored to resemble one. The monster itself looked like something straight out of Monsturd as well not that I would know for sure since I never even knew that such a movie existed but anyway…
My subconscious could have at least supplied some awesome special effects such as believable blood and gore for instance. I mean, I think I saw ketchup oozing from my severed toes and well, that’s just scuzzy. And the whole scene could have happened somewhere else other than my bedroom, you know? The only thing even remotely interesting about my bedroom is the dust bunny accumulating under the bed in the shape of Abe Lincoln…Seriously, I’d really rather not remember my dreams next time if it’s going to be this goddamn crappy.
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I haven’t remembered any of my dreams in what seems like years, and the first time I did it runs like a low-budget horror movie? Gosh. What does this say about my subconscious really? The cat didn’t even look like a real cat but some stuffed animal, possibly a giraffe, doctored to resemble one. The monster itself looked like something straight out of Monsturd as well not that I would know for sure since I never even knew that such a movie existed but anyway…
My subconscious could have at least supplied some awesome special effects such as believable blood and gore for instance. I mean, I think I saw ketchup oozing from my severed toes and well, that’s just scuzzy. And the whole scene could have happened somewhere else other than my bedroom, you know? The only thing even remotely interesting about my bedroom is the dust bunny accumulating under the bed in the shape of Abe Lincoln…Seriously, I’d really rather not remember my dreams next time if it’s going to be this goddamn crappy.
